Brian Anderson
Let’s face it*. We’ve forgotten how to listen to each other. Sometimes we claim to be listening, but our actions often tell another story. This is because listening implies a conversation, something bi-directional, coupled with empathy and the baring of the soul. So if we aren’t listening to each other, to our friends, who are we listening to? And why?
To listen is to live
One of the reasons we may have stopped listening is because it requires a lot of energy. We think as little as possible, make up our minds, and proceed to act based on our conclusions. Psychologists explain that we close our minds and stop listening once we have made a determination about something. This, in turn, has the tendency of binding us into repetitive actions which then turn into steely habits.
Shutting off our minds can keep us safe if our conclusions are correct, but it seems that most of the time, in a complex society, we don’t have enough information to make the best conclusions. And if we do have enough information, chances are it is so conflicting that we have no way of knowing what is right or how to choose between competing ideas. In this case, the only way to live and to grow is by reevaluating our conclusions regularly. This becomes much easier with a strong, tightly knit group of friends.
To live is to create
I discovered several years ago that if I wanted to be more successful as a lawyer, it was absolutely crucial for me to be able to listen and to assess “both” sides of the argument in order to determine whether the decision I was making was the best, or if I was doing something that was merely good or even bad. I quickly realized that this requires a lot of creative energy, so I convinced the office to join me in random competitions to keep our minds fresh.
One of my favorite competitions was seeing who could be the most creative in coming to work. This was loosely based on the observation of Ken Robinson that children are much more creative than adults as evidenced by their ability to use a paperclip for just about anything. We brainstormed the number of possibilities and were surprised when we started running out of ideas at about 76, not including different routes! That week I wasn’t very aggressive and pretty much just covered the basics: I rode my bike, I walked, I ran, and even asked for a ride, but the winner of the competition took the bus part way then had a co-worker push her in a jogging stroller the rest of the way. It was hilarious! That competition has since served as a reminder of how there are many ways to approach even the most simple challenges we face, yet it takes work to deviate from the norm and to question our current understanding of reality.
We can change for the better
I realize that Facebook (and social media generally) is a distorted microcosm of life and serves mainly as an echo chamber. Very few people will even see this post, even fewer will read this far, and maybe one or two will decide to change their behavior because of some cogent thing I could have possibly written. But, regardless and irrespective of the futility of the idea that we can change for the better, I hope that you will take a minute to truly listen to your friends who have opposing views and you will take another minute to stop listening to those you don’t even know and who are not your friends in any sense of the word. If this seems too hard, try commuting to work on a pogo stick or by hot air balloon.
*Adapted from my own Facebook post on November 18, 2020.